On Death

depression.
eternal sadness
like falling into a deep abyss.
a sad frown.
a burrowed eyebrow.
why me? why her? why now?

Last night, my grandma died. I knew she was sick. I didn't know she was terminally ill. She was very young -- only in her early 60's. I want to cry; I want to get my emotions out. I want to feel lighter -- it will be better than keeping the thoughts in my mind, and mulling over them every second of the day.

Last night, my grandma died. I never really thought about this much, but last night I also realized that my grandpa had died around the same time when I was in 7th grade. It's funny how one never thinks about death, until it shows up on our doorstep, determined to take one of us with him. We all know death exists, but we never remember. It's always a shock. Benjamin Franklin said that the only two things certain in life were death and taxes. Then, why are we always surprised when death comes? Why do we hope?

Last night, my grandma died. I was determined to not let anyone know. I don't really know why. I guess I didn't want people to act awkward around me -- like they do around disabled people. I now think that it's better to just let it out. It's definitely easier. I have never written anything so easily in my life, anything except for this. This is why I wish I could've just cried. It's too hard to talk to people about things that aren't happy. It's too hard to talk of sadness. It's too much of a one-sided talk; worse than a lecture.

Last night, my grandma died. I have never seen my mom fall into such sadness before. She cried and cried for hours. It broke my heart to hear her, much less look at her.

Last night, my grandma died. I've never thought so much in my life before. I realized how selfish I always am. Talking, talking, hearing, but never listening. I thought about many things. How beautiful my grandma was. How kind, how nice, how loving. I wish I had those traits in me. But I realized how selfish I am. Somehow, though, I feel like my grandma's death is my fault. I was so busy with my schedule, I forgot to pray, to think about my grandma. I didn't think of her health, her life. All I thought of was the next grade, the next speech and debate tournament, the next track season. I never think about other people. It's like I'm scared to let them in, or something. Scared that they'll leave me anyways.

Last night, my grandma died. But, life goes on. The war in Iraq continues. The presidential elections continue. The persecution of the people in Sudan continues. Nothing stops, but her thoughts, her kindness, and her love will always remain in my heart.